Obviously I ran out of room and that's how it goes but I use dolls and because I so consistently actually just reached for dolls as a comfort and coping mechanism I eventually became awarebut I was doing therapy by being The observer of the interactions between me and one other person as I brought the dolls to life to reenact experiences that had me so shook up I couldn't function and was just suicidal and broken over. Now I don't actually have to get the dolls out because I can imagine playing with them and initiate the process of self-reflection with the intention to own my experience and he'll. This also lets me roleplay alternate ways the social interaction Could have gone. I'm teaching myself how to better communicate and have better interactions via role play. it always starts out with this feeling that he assumed I had a way that I fully expected it to go and I'm just trying to fulfill what that might be if I had such a defined intention. In reality my only intention is to live my truth and be authentic no matter how uncomfortable and vulnerable i feel in the process. By doing this I become more comfortable with and making dolls talk to each other helps me master the language & be able to function in these moments where there could be just paralyzing anxiety.
and after all that vulnerability I really need a hug so I have a doll that is me and I have a doll that is not me and they hug.
I feel ive gotten a useful "little" identity fr om being damaged by life. If i culd "get little" and have dinner set before me, watch a cartoon, and be tucked into bed i think things would be great.
Time tells me i will become increasingly unstable and unable to function. Likely neglecting eating and other self care while i entertain the notion of never sleeping again.
Ill cry lots. Go numb & angry back and forth until I'm exhausted and i fall asleep physically shaking & freezing to death sweating from what is probably minor withdrawal due to prescribed pain meds i took briefly.
The challenge will be to keep it slow and steady instead of blowing up my pain (for future me) by dancing or adequately cleaning or organization my home. And neither can i dig a migraine from too much screen time. Which means isolation when i most want to be communicating and connecting.
And doing nothing im able to do while I'm actually able to do it. Time clicks back into place when i wake up again & it'll be bad if i don't just get content playing with dolls or mapping outfits reeeeeel fn quick rn
Sit still. Chatter to myself. Eat and drink.
Be little enough to be content and calm with my dolls & be my own parent enough to not let little me get herself into trouble or danger & feed & water & just keep suggesting it's bed time til it takes.
Those 2 identities don't co-exist seamlessly (yet?) Giggle im looking for my daddy. Have you seen him?
That worked well enough to summon little me that i actually had a lil turrettes episode.
Nice.
Wish me luck. Send love. Thanks viberz.
Love and light
Buh bye
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